THE JOKE THREAD .

[blumeanie.]

:laughing:

Ok where the hell is your sense of humour . Ive noticed on a few forums that there is a joke thread but this one seems to be somewhat lacking .
I understand that some jokes can be funny to a lot but may actually be rather offensive to some others , So i think it would be sensible to keep them free from any racist or religious content . And , should anyone feel offended by any joke that is posted i accept full responsibility and have no complaints should admin decide to delete or lock the thread .

Well , im sure everyone has a good joke to tell .
Allow me to start with one .

This gentleman boards a plane heading to new york for his holidays , as he finds his seat a man and a labrador dog join him . Rather curious , the man asks why he has a dog on board with him . The man with the dog quietly explains that he is an airline narcotics agent with a sniffer dog .
When 30,000ft up the agent lets the dog off the leash and the dog walks down the aisle a few rows ,points its nose at an old lady then walks back and lays one paw on the agents lap . What does that mean ? asks the curious passenger . The agent says that the dog just told him that the old lady is carrying cocaine in her bag and she will be arressted when we land . Amazing , says the passenger as the dog walks to the back of the plane , points its nose to a young man , walks back and lays two paws on the agents lap . Even more curious, the passenger asks what it meant this time and the agent explains that the dog shows that young man is carrying heroin and will be arrested on landing also .
The agent decides to show the abbilites of his dog one more time and commands it to the front of aisle where the dog points its nose to a middle aged man then runs back , jumps on the seat and shits all over it . Gagging on the stench the passenger asks , what the hell is that supposed to mean then? . The agent replies , were fucked , that guys got a bomb in his bag .

[Marshmellow]

good story, not a good joke...

[Atomic Boo]

i liked it
hehe

[blumeanie.]

Come on , someone must have a decent joke to tell us .
Get us laughing man !!.

[Fields]

THE JOKE THREAD
Is that supposed to be ironic? Because this thread has failed to make me laugh.

[Atomic Boo]

god you are so annoying ^^^
always here to dis people and moan. i get frustrated when people have nothing but insults to say to each other

[Fields]

Come on Boo, lighten up. This is the joke thread after all.

[harribo]

Oh well here gos my turn:

Why are tornadoes named after women?

Because when they cum they're wet and noisy and when they leave
they take your house and car

Made me laugh when I heard it.

[Fields]

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

Now that is a joke!

[Josh64]

Lol that was funny. Cant think of any good jokes myself though :(

[MunKy]

This is really bad taste but I like it.
What does AIDS stand for? Arse Injected Death Sentence.

[rizz]

The dark knight see's up in a tower a beautiful princess, and wishes to marry her.
He goes to the castle door where he is greeted by the first guard,
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'How can I help?'
'I want to marry the princess'
'Find me the biggest diamond and i'll let you past'

The dark night goes and finds such a diamond, and returns to the castle.
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'do you have that diamond?'
'yes, here it is'
'ok, you can go past now.'

He goes and finds himself facing the second guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'How can I help?'
'I want to marry the princess'
'Bring me 1000 gold coins and i'll let you past'

He goes down and see's the first guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past.'

He robs banks and rich people to get the gold coins.
He goes to the castle and see's the first guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past.'

He gets to the second guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'do you have the money?'
'yes, here it is'
'ok, you can go past now.'

He finds himself infront of the king
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'How can I help?'
'I want to marry the princess'
'Find me the biggest ring and I shall let you past.'

He goes down and see's the second guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past.'

He goes down and see's the first guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past.'

He finds the biggest ring and returns to the castle
He see's the first guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past.'

He see's the second guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past.'

He see's the king
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'do you have the ring?'
'Yes, here it is'
'ok, you can go past'

Finally, he finds himself in the princesses tower
'who are you'
'the Dark Knight'
'yo, wassup'
'I want to propose to you'
'then find me a big load of silver'

He goes down and see's the king
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past'

He see's the second guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past.'

He see's the first guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past.'

He finds a load of silver and makes his way back to the castle.

He see's the first guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past.'

He see's the second guard
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past.'

He see's the king
'Who are you?'
'the Dark Knight'
'ok, you can go past.'

He gets back to the princess
'who are you'
'the Dark Knight'
'do you have the silver?'
'Yes here it is'

He hands her the silver, then gets down on one knee, puts her hand in his and asks her to marry him.

She looks into his eyes, and softly she replies. 'no'.

[Mr. Bananagrabber]

All of these jokes are AIDS.

[Ashley]

All of these jokes are AIDS.

Something unfunnier than unfunny jokes? Using AIDS as an insult/punchline/whatever you wanna call it. It was World Aids day yesterday and all.

[Colin]

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. :wink:

[rizz]

The joke is on all people who read my joke all the way through.

[Girly hiyaz!~ Gamer]

Not a joke, but a quote:

Peter: If Lois finds out I'm ditching her to play golf, she'll hit me with a frying pan. Which is why i'm going to drink this frying pan antidote. [gulp gulp] Alright, hit me with this.
Brian: [whacks peter]
Peter: Didn't work. [crashes onto floor]

[MunKy]

Something unfunnier than unfunny jokes? Using AIDS as an insult/punchline/whatever you wanna call it. It was World Aids day yesterday and all.

Fair point, but I make jokes about everything tragic or distasteful. Its how I deal with it. I like my humor dark and twisted.

[Charlie]

Got a letter from Grandma the other day.

She wrote:

The other day, I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus” bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did!

What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

[Infinete]

ok, heres one:
a man walks up to a solicitor and asks
"how much do you charge""
the solicitor replies
"1 grand for 3 questions"
The man replys
"really?"
the solicitor smiles and replys
"yes, now whats your third question?"

[Mr_Odwin]

No more rubbish jokes or insulting each other or posting crap please.
My favourite joke/thing:

Two parrots are sat on a perch and one turns to the other and says "I smell fish".

[Ninty 182]

Ok here we go. Prepeare yourselves for the ultimate jokes. (you may need a second pair of underwear handy.)

Joke No.1
Why is the sea made of salt water?

Because if it were made of pepper water all the fish would sneeze.
:laughing: :laughing:

:grin:

Joke No.2
What's grey, wrinkley and jumps up and down every 10 seconds?

An elephant with the hiccups!
:laughing: :laughing:

:grin:

[Jordan]

Ok here we go. Prepeare yourselves for the ultimate jokes. (you may need a second pair of underwear handy.)

Joke No.1
Why is the sea made of salt water?

Because if it were made of pepper water all the fish would sneeze.


And i always thought it was due to all the Whale semen. :heh:

[Mundi]

heres my Joke:

One day superman was extremely bored so he decided to call Flash if he would want to come to or something but when he called him he said he couldn´t because he was to busy practicing running so he decided to call batman but he was to busy fixing the batman mobile to come with him so superman decided to fly around for a while, in one of the building wonderwoman was lying there naked on a table with her crotch open,Superman thought then hmm with my super speed i can fly in there in a split second have sex with her without here noticing, and that he did flew in and did his stuff in a second. After that happened wonder woman said: What was that? I don´t know but my ass is killing me. Said Invisble man

[Mr_Odwin]

heres my Joke:

One day superman was extremely bored so he decided to call Flash if he would want to come to or something but when he called him he said he couldn´t because he was to busy practicing running so he decided to call batman but he was to busy fixing the batman mobile to come with him so superman decided to flu around for a while, in one of the building wonderwoman was lying there naked on a table with her crotch open,Superman thought then hmm with my super speed i can fly in there in a split second have sex with her without here noticing, and that he did flew in and did his stuff in a second. After that happened wonder woman said: What was that? I don´t know but my ass is killing me Invisible man said then

It really is the way you tell 'em.

[Mundi]

It really is the way you tell 'em.
was hurrying didn´t have time to edit it

[Blackfox]

Haha, that made me chuckle. Your crappy grammar skillz also made me read it about twice as fast as it should have.

[kopo]

Knok knok
Who's there?





Go fuck yourself

classic

[Mundi]

here´s a short one so my crappy gramar skillz can´t ruin it
The was once girl that had been blind since birth and had always wanted to be able to see so she goes to her mother and says: Mom will i ever be able to see? The mom thinks for a moment, sprinkles some stuff on here and says: There tomorow you will be able to see all the wonderfull things and world and never have to be blind again.The girl then spents the rest of the day thinking about how wonderful it will be to be able to see and how great life will be when see can see. The next day the girl wakes but she is still blind so she calls for her mother and asks her:I´m still blind! why am i still blind? then the mom says laughing: APRIL FOOL
(just to let you know the bad grammar is due to i heard these jokes first in icelandic and translation ain´t one of my strong points)

[Sanchez]

2 peanuts were walking down a street. One was assaulted.

[Mundi]

2 peanuts were walking down a street. One was assaulted.
montey python FTW(for the win)

[rizz]

3 men on an island, they were walking along when some crazy monster type thing came along and said 'eat these dead birds or ill kick the shit out of you all'. The first man is like no way thats sick, the second was also having none of it. The third was rather scared by this threat so eat the dead birds.
They moved along and wondered inot a cave where some huge talking spider screamed at them 'eat these human eyeballs or i will close this cave in on you!'. The first man again was disgusted at the idea and refused, the second man threw up at the idea. The third, again very scared, ate the eyeballs, and they were allowed to move along.
Walking along the beach of the island, an angry blastoise jumped out of the sea, 'eat these mutated fish or ill water blast you!'. The first and second men were like wtf mate, no way. The third man was like wtf also, but it was only fish he thought to himself, and ate them.
Walking through a cave, the three men could see a fish and chip shop. They carried on, when from the shadows jumped a crazy old man wielding a chainsaw. 'EAT THESE HUMAN FINGERS OR ILL DECAPITATE YOU ALL!!!' The first and second men were scared stiff, but the third man thought about the other things he'd eated so far and thought he may as well. He ate them, and they all carried on to the chippy.
They got there. The first man ordered a normal sized fish. The second man, after throwing his food up before, decided to get the bigest fish they had there.
They both turned to the third man 'you not getting anything?' they asked, to which he replied 'nah, ive already had birds eye fish fingers'.

[Atomic Boo]

that was a good joke but too long ^^^

why did the chewing gum cross the road?




it got stuck to the chickens foot

[Atomic Boo]

there were 3 fleas and they all went on holiday, 1 went to the computer room 1 went to the art room and the other went to the toilet. they all came back and talked about their experiences
the flea who went to the computer room said "i had a geat laugh mashing keyboard buttons and opening the disc drive, what about you bro"
the flea who went to the art room said " i had a great time in the art room squirting paints around and flicking paintbrushes it was great, what about you dude"
the flea who went to the toilet said " well it started off well swimming around a bit but then suddenly it turned dark, a waterfall dropped down and then there were huge waves. if it wasnt for the passing log i would have died

[|Laguna|]

A man walks into a butchers shop asks the butcher "Are you a gambling man?"

The butcher says, "Yes".

The man says, "I bet you fifty quid that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."

The butcher looks up at the meat hanging on the hooks. He says, "I'm not betting on that".

"But I thought you were a gambling man," the man retorts.

"Yes I am," says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".

[Infinete]

A boy says to his mother
"why do i keep going round in circles", the mother replies
"shut up or i'll stapel the other foot down"

[AshMat]

2 men were sat in a cliffside bar. The first man says to the other:
"I bet you that i can jump off that cliff and the wind will bring me right back up,"
The 2nd man says "yeah right, you're on!"

So the first man jumps off the cliff and is surely enoguh brought back up. The 2nd man exclaims "WOW! do that again i dont believe it!"

So the 1st man jumps off again and, yet again, is broguht safely back up to the top.
So the 1st man says "Go on you try it," so the 2nd man jumps off the cliff and falls to his death on the jagged rocks at the bottom.

The 1st man walks calmly back into the bar to finish his pint and the barman says:



"You know, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk superman."

[Konfucius]

"Mommy, mommy I'm 14, can I wear a bra now?" - "No, Peter!"

[Monopolyman]

Have you heard about these talking terrorist dolls which came out last christmas?

They wern't successful, because nobody was brave enoguh to pull the string.

[the_villa]

why does santa have no kids?

Because he only cums once a year

Made me laugh when I heard it.

[King_Mushroom]

What dead the Deaf, dumb and Blind boy get for christmas?......


..... 'CANCER'

[mario image T]

not sure if this joke can be any funnier than cancer, but i'll try.

there was this guy at an african game park/ zoo type of thing. he looks around the park and all he can see is this dog.
anyway, the guy complains to the zookeeper/game park manager guy and says 'the zoo hasn't got any animals except for this one dog'.
the manager replies 'yes, it's a shitsu'

[mike-zim]

there were three guys on a road trip across america. one night they run out of fuel so they walk to a farm about a mile away from their truck. they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can stay. he tells them they can but to stay away from his daughter.

so they are sleeping in their rooms and the most stunning woman comes to their room individually and makes love to each of them. the next day the father comes into their rooms and tells them that he had cameras in each of the rooms and knows what happened.

he tells them that since his daughter went to them they will have to pass a test before he can let them leave. if they failed they would be shot. so he tells them all to to get 100 pieces of fruit each.

the first guy comes back with 100 strawberries. the farmer tell him to start sticking them up his arse, if he makes a sound while he was doing it he would be shot after about 10 he make a sound and is shot instantly.

the second guys comes back with blue berry's and is told the same so he starts. no sound after the first 10, then 20, then 50, he gets to 99 and bursts out laughing so is shot instantly.

the 2 of them are in heaven and the first guy asks the other why he burst out laughing with 1 berry left to go. "well" the second guys says " i was so close but i saw the other guy coming round the corner with water mellons"

[mike-zim]

3 guys walking through the jungle. their guide turns to the ans says "we be carefull" so they all wlak carefully but they stray from the path and all of a sudden they are surrounded by natives with spears they are all taken to the village.

the chief stands up and shouts out in a native language. the guide tells them "chief say you walk on sacred ground and must be punnished" the chief shouts out again. "chief say death or onga bonga, must choose" they talk amoungst them selves and the first guys say " i dont want to die, so i choose onga bonga" he gets escorted out of where they are being held and gets raped by every man in the village.

the other 2 see this well the second guy stand straight up and exclaims "oohh darling i thing i would rather like onga bonga" so he is then raped by every man in the village.

the third say " i would rather die" the translater tells the chief this. all of a sudden there is a silence about the camp. the men are obviousely not pleased. then the chief stands up and shouts out 1 more time. the translator goes pale and turns to the third man and says " the chief say death by onga bonga"

[Britprog]

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have
intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £98.
The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"

[mike-zim]

a guy walks into a brothel with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. he goes to the desk and says " i want to have sex with a prostetute that has every known sexaully transmitted disease"

the woman at the desk replies " sorry sir we are a respectable establishment, we can not cater for your needs"

he replies " bull shit, how much will it cost?"

"£20,000 for me and £20,000 for her she only has a week to live"

he pays the money follows the directions and has sex with this woman. he is in there about an hour and he comes out with the biggest smile on his face.

the woman at the front desks asks " excuse me but why are you so happy? you have every known std."

he replies "well when i get home i will have sex with my sister. tonight when my father gets home he will be totally pissed off his face and wonder into my sisters room and have sex with her. he will realise he is in the wrong room and go to his room and have sex with my mother. then tomorrow when my mother is alone in the house the milkman will come in and have sex with her. and that is the bastard i want to kill for running over my frog"

[Ollie]

What is better than winning the para-olympics?




























Having arms and legs!

[djamb3]

The para-olimpics one is fabulooooous :bouncy:

[AshMat]

A cowboy and an indian were walking through the desert and the indian says:
"Me hungry, me want food" so the cowboy replies
"well i think i saw a bacon tree about 10 minutes ago" so the indian sets off in the direction the cowboy points. about half an hour later the indian comes back with arrows sticking out of him in all directions, the cowboy says:
"Holy shit what happened to you?"
The indian replies:




"That no bacon tree, that HAMBUSH"

[Stefkov]

i think this was on spongebob,

What do you call a snail on a ship?
A snailer.

[Solo]

Why do women have boobs?




... so you got something to look at while youre talking to 'em.


Heheheheh...


...

... so you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em


heheheehe...


http://theworldonaplate.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/peter_griffin.jpg

[mario image T]

What is better than winning the para-olympics?

Having arms and legs!
what is worse than being able to tell crap jokes
-being oliherst

[AshMat]

Ok here's one of my favourite ever bestest jokes

2 irish pilots were coming into land in dublin airport, the pilot says to the co pilot:
"Oh, this runway lookin a bit short, but 10 degrees on the flaps" so the flaps went up 10 degrees and they began to slow.
"Hmm i think this is a little shorter than i anticipated" said the pilot" put 15 more degrees on the flaps" so the flaps were up at 25 degrees and they were gettin slower. Then the co pilot says:
"Wow this is looknig short, maybe we should cut off one of the engines?" so the pilot agrees and one of the 4 engines is cut off. they get closer and the pilot says:
"Holy hell this is getting shorter by the second, take the flaps up to 50 degrees and cut off engine 2!" so they are now running on 2 engines with 50 degree flaps and getting slower and slower.

2 minutes later the co pilot says:
"We're not going to make it paddy it's all over!"
So the pilot says "No O'riley, we're going to make it, cut off engines 3 and 4 and put the flaps up to three quarters of the way!" so all engines are off and they have the flaps 3 quarters of the way up, gliding down.
"Right, brace yourself!" yells the captain "Put the flaps on full and prepare the landing gear" so the co pilot does as told and the plane comes in and touches down
"NOW NOW! full brakes full flaps get ready for a rough entry!" so they skid along the runway, sparks flying, the pilots clingin on and hoping.

They slow to a halt about 2 metres from the edge of the runway and the co pilot says:
" I can't beleive it, that is the shortest runway i have ever seen" and the pilot replies:




















"Yeah but have you seen how bloody wide it is!"

















One quicky:
A 2 seater plane crashed in a cemetry in belfast, rescue workers have found 59 bodies and are still searching

[the_villa]

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?


A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

[skarmachild]

What do you call a spider with no eyes or legs?

A raisin

God im good

[bob]

why couldn't the baby get through the door?

it had a javalin through its head.


how do you get a baby out of a blender?


Doritos


Why did the baby fall off the swing?


It had no arms.



whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a maggot?


the Holocaust.

[AshMat]

why couldn't the baby get through the door?

it had a javalin through its head.


how do you get a baby out of a blender?


Doritos


Why did the baby fall off the swing?


It had no arms.



whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a maggot?


the Holocaust.

What? ............................

[the_villa]

Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.

[MunKy]

A homeless man walks into a high class jewelery store and casually takes down his trousers and starts fingering his butt hole. The manager storms over to him and says "What the hell are you doing?!". The homeless man takes his finger out and points a sign in the shop: "Feel free to pick you ring".

[Ninty 182]

whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a maggot?


the Holocaust.[/QUOTE]


love it

[Stefkov]

a guy i know told me this, i thought it was hilarious

Q. Why isnt Santa so Merry?

A. because he knows where all the naughty girls live.



i cant rememeber if it was merry or somehing else so i put that in.

[the_villa]

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had photos of Manchester UTD players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

[bob]

a guy i know told me this, i thought it was hilarious

Q. Why isnt Santa so Merry?

A. because he knows where all the naughty girls live.



i cant rememeber if it was merry or somehing else so i put that in.

I think that should be 'why is Santa so merry?'

[the_villa]

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.
a funny sign image
http://www.headlinehumor.com/images/signs/s98.jpg

[Raining_again]

Three men (a scotsman, an english man and an irish man) in the middle of the desert, find a genie lamp. They rub the lamp and out comes the genie.

"you may have a wish each" he tells them. The scots man goes first, "i want to go back to my home in scotland"...and poof the genie sends him back. The english man thinks this is a good idea, and requests to be sent back to his home in england.

The irish man thinks for a while... then says to the genie, "I miss me pals, can you bring them back please"

[Konfucius]

Bill Gates, the Pope and President Bush are in a plane that is going to crash and there are only two parachutes. Bush says: "I am the most intelligent man so I need to survive." takes one and jumps out of the plane. The Pope to Bill Gates: "You are young and have so much left to do in live, you can have the parachute." Bill Gates responds: "That's not necessary, the most intelligent man has just jumped out with a rucksack."

[the_villa]

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

[demonmike04]

2 sausages are lying in a frying pan, one of them says "Ow its hot!
the other one says "Ahhh! A talking sausage!"

This joke isnt for the faint hearted...

Whats a pork pie got in common with an old ladies vagina?

You gotta bite away the crust and lick away the jelly to get to the meat!

[demonmike04]

Three men (a scotsman, an english man and an irish man) in the middle of the desert, find a genie lamp. They rub the lamp and out comes the genie.

"you may have a wish each" he tells them. The scots man goes first, "i want to go back to my home in scotland"...and poof the genie sends him back. The english man thinks this is a good idea, and requests to be sent back to his home in england.

The irish man thinks for a while... then says to the genie, "I miss me pals, can you bring them back please"
Ha, i love that joke, heard it years back.

Another ending to it is this:

The Scottish man wishes for loads of haggis(sp?), the genie grants the wish, he gets alot of haggis.
The english man wishes for loads of beer, the genie grants the wish, he gets alot of beer.
The irish man wishes for a car door, the genie says "Erm..ok heres you car door", The irish man gets a car door.

The english man and the scottish man say to the irish man "Why did you wish for a car door mate?" The irish man replies "So when it gets hot, i can undo the window!"

[AshMat]

What do micheal jackson and a playstation have in common?
They both get turned on by little kids.

[MoogleViper]

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman are trying to get into the Marines. The Commanding Officer says "I've given you each a gun, now I want you to go into that room and shoot the first person you see." So the English man goes in. A minute later he comes out shaking his head. "It was my wife, I couldn't do it, I couldn't shoot her." The Scotsman walks in. A minute later he walks out shaking his head. "It was my wife, I couldn't do it, I couldn't shoot her." Then the irish man goes in. They hear a scream. Then the Irish man comes out and says "It was full of blanks I had to strangle her to death."

[demonmike04]

What do micheal jackson and a playstation have in common?
They both get turned on by little kids.
And they both are made from plastic.

[Ninty 182]

A bear and a rabbit go for a shit in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with shit sticking to his fur and the rabbit says no. The bear then wipes his arse with the rabbit.

:D

[the_villa]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[AshMat]

2 Guys wanted to go out for some drinks but had very littl money to spend, so they spent what little money they had on a sausage.
They go to the first bar, have a drink each and when the barman asks them to pay up, one of them kneels down and sunds the sausage (looking like something dirty) the barman yells
"GET OUT"

They do this for another 4 bars and one guy starts laughing nd says:
"Wow, this is a fantastic way of getting drinks"The other guy says:
"I don't know why you're laughing, i lost the sausage 2 bars back."

[MoogleViper]

Whats a pork pie got in common with an old ladies vagina?

You gotta bite away the crust and lick away the jelly to get to the meat!

What have foreign sweets got in common with an old ladiy's vagina?

A couple of licks and you feel ill

[Konfucius]

Not really a joke, but I still find it amusing:

Who the fuck is general failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

[MoogleViper]

Not a really a joke but it had me in tears.

Most of you will have already seen it though.

http://bash.org/?111338


<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

[Atomic Boo]

haha thats great.
"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

genius! and the reference to spunk! thanks for that mate! hahaha

[gaggle64]

All of Saddam Hussain's body doubles still loyal to him are hiding out in a disused bunker togther. One of them walks in and says

"Ok, I've got good news and bad news. The good news, Saddamn Hussain has finally escaped from his American captors. So you've all got your jobs back."

Everyone cheers.

"The bad news is he's lost one of his arms."

[MoogleViper]

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"



I wish hermione would grab my wang.

[Atomic Boo]

hehe, very true.... *_* oh oooooohhhh herrrmioneee...

[demonmike04]

What have foreign sweets got in common with an old ladiy's vagina?

A couple of licks and you feel ill
Another gross joke to tell my mates at lunch time :D

[KingOfHyrule]

Typical Irish humour:

This oul fella is sitting up at the bar, beating the Guinness into him all night. Closing time comes and he's still pinting away, and the barman says, "Right Mick, closin' time, out the fuck!"

"Fack aaaff, another fuughckin' Guinness now..."

"No way, I'll get you a taxi now and that's that."

So the taxi arrives, and your man falls clean off his stool. The bar staff help him to the taxi and he stumbles into the back seat and mumbles his address to the driver.

So they arrive at his house, opens the door, and he falls straight out of the taxi onto the ground, and crawls up to his front door. He attempts to straighten up and leans up against the door and puts the key in, with great difficulty. The door opens, and he falls clean on his face again, crawls up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning he's woken up to the cursing and shouting of his wife, who's belting him over the head with the Irish News. "You were drinkin' again last night, weren't you, you bastard!" she roars.

"What are you on about woman, I wasn't drinkin'!"

"Yes you were, don't you lie to me!" as she whacks him again.

"How would you know anyway?!"

"The bar rang - you left your fuckin' wheelchair behind!"

[Supergrunch]

haha thats great.
"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

genius! and the reference to spunk! thanks for that mate! hahaha

Even better... (http://www.clockwork-harlequin.net/harry_potter/)

It even includes a link to the wand -> wang thing.

[the_villa]

A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. ouch!

[MoogleViper]

A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. ouch!


Two drums and a symbol fall of a cliff.




Ba dum tish

[Bogbas]

What is green, furry and four legged. And kills you if it falls on you from a tree?
a pool/billiards table

And as reading bash.org is fun, I found this quote to be hilarious:
"*** IRC -- Based on the original code written by Jarkko Oikarinen
*** Copyright 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991 University of Oulu, Computing Center
<Jarkko> You people have turned a cute little project I did 5 years ago INTO A TREMENDOUS WASTE OF TIME!!! GET A LIFE!!! MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S BASEMENT!!! You, with the bot... have you ever kissed a woman?"

[Atomic Boo]

This is a bit random, but I thought it might amuse some bored people:
>
INDIAN RHAPSODY (sung to the tune of Bohemian rhapsody by Queen)


Naan, just killed a man
>poppadom against his head
>Had lime pickle now he's dead.
>Naan, dinner's just begun
>But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
>Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry
>If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
>Curry on, curry on
>Cause nothing really Madras.
>Too late, my dinner's gone
>Sends shivers down my spine
>Bottom aching all the time
>Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
>Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
>Naan, ooh, ooh
>This dopiaza is so mild
>I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
>
>[guitar solo]
>
>I see a little chicken tikka on the side
>Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
>Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
>Meat!
>Byriani (Byriani)
>Byriani (Byriani)
>Byriani and a naan
>(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
>I've eaten balti, somebody help me
>He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
>Stand you well back
>'Case the loo is quarantined...
>Here it comes
>There it goes
>Technicolor yawn
>I chunder
>No!
>It's coming up again
>(There he goes)
>I chunder, it's coming back again
>(There he goes)
>Coming back again
>(up again)
>Here it comes again.
>(No no no no no no NO)
>On my knees, I'm on my knees
>On his knees, Oh, there he goes
>This vindaloo
>Is about to wreck my guts
>Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
>
>[guitar solo]
>
>So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
>So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
>Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
>Just had to come out
>It just had to come right out in here.
>
>[guitar solo]
>
>[slow bit]
>Korma or dopiaza
>bhaji, naan or saag
>Nothing makes a difference
>Nothing makes a difference
>To meee....
>(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh

[Atomic Boo]

ive got a good one:
what do you call a bee that makes milk?
boobie

[MoogleViper]

A man with a stutter applies for a job at a building site.

Site manager: You're perfect for the job, just one last thing, if you drop a brick shout "FALLING BRICK!"

Guy: O-ok

so one day while he's working on the roof he drops a brick over the side and shouts "F-F-F-F-FLIPPIN ECK IT'S HIT HIM!"

[Katie]

It's probably quite old and a bit long but I found it funny...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower
and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation
8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running
Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate
------------------

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:
C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should
automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0
and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a
supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.


Good Luck,Tech Support

------------------

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which
I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to
try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use
up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored
in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic
Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch
TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files,
and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to
be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my
Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.

[the_villa]

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear:

10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off"

9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos"

8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters

7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy"

4. Ears is tasty

3. It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me!

2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring"

1. He ran out of gum

[the_villa]

Is Windows a virus?
With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

[Oxigen_Waste]

I'm pretty much sure everyone will hate these... but they're my favourite type of jokes:


What did the deaf, dumb and blind little boy get for christmas?
Cancer

What breaks during sex?
A three year old's pelvis.

What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?
The Wheelchair.

If I get a positive response on these... I have more of them ready.

[Konfucius]

I'm pretty much sure everyone will hate these... but they're my favourite type of jokes

I know I shouldn't find that funny but I do... :D

[Blackfox]

Shit jokes.

I love your people skillz.

[Solo]

I'm pretty much sure everyone will hate these... but they're my favourite type of jokes:


What did the deaf, dumb and blind little boy get for christmas?
Cancer

What breaks during sex?
A three year old's pelvis.

What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?
The Wheelchair.

If I get a positive response on these... I have more of them ready.

I don't get it, they're not really jokes. No more please. :hmm:

[weeyellowbloke]

A young lad is backpacking through China. He's been walking all day and is pretty tired, but unfortunatly there are no hostels for miles around. So he decides to knock on the door of one of the locals in the hope of finding a place to sleep. The door is answered by a small hunchbacked old man. "Sorry, but I really need somewhere to sleep tonight, can you help me?" asks the backpacker. "Yes," replies the old man, "But I warn you, I have a daughter and if you sleep with her I will inflict upon you three terrible curses". The backpacker agrees that he will not touch the old mans daughter, I mean he's like 104 years old so she's probably ancient. Inside the house the old man offers to get his daughter to make some food for the backpacker. Suddenly in walks the most beautiful woman the backpacker has ever seen in his life, who as it happens is the old mans daughter. Over dinner the backpacker and the daughter flirt, but in the back of his mind remains the thought of the curses. Later while lying in bed the backpacker decides he will sneak into the daughters room, have sex and get back to his own room without the old man finding out. I mean the curses can't be that bad, can they.

The next morning the backpacker wakes up to find a large boulder on his chest with a note attached, "Curse 1, boulder on chest". The backpacker laughs. Is this the best the old man can do. He goes over to the window and throws the boulder out, when suddenly he spots another note. "Curse 2, string from boulder to left testicle". The backpacker obviously panics at this and decides to jump from the window after the boulder, I mean a broken bone is better then no testicle right. As the backpacker falls though he spots the final cursed note. "Curse 3, right testicle attached to bed post".

[Eddage]

A young lad is backpacking through China. He's been walking all day and is pretty tired, but unfortunatly there are no hostels for miles around. So he decides to knock on the door of one of the locals in the hope of finding a place to sleep. The door is answered by a small hunchbacked old man. "Sorry, but I really need somewhere to sleep tonight, can you help me?" asks the backpacker. "Yes," replies the old man, "But I warn you, I have a daughter and if you sleep with her I will inflict upon you three terrible curses". The backpacker agrees that he will not touch the old mans daughter, I mean he's like 104 years old so she's probably ancient. Inside the house the old man offers to get his daughter to make some food for the backpacker. Suddenly in walks the most beautiful woman the backpacker has ever seen in his life, who as it happens is the old mans daughter. Over dinner the backpacker and the daughter flirt, but in the back of his mind remains the thought of the curses. Later while lying in bed the backpacker decides he will sneak into the daughters room, have sex and get back to his own room without the old man finding out. I mean the curses can't be that bad, can they.

The next morning the backpacker wakes up to find a large boulder on his chest with a note attached, "Curse 1, boulder on chest". The backpacker laughs. Is this the best the old man can do. He goes over to the window and throws the boulder out, when suddenly he spots another note. "Curse 2, string from boulder to left testicle". The backpacker obviously panics at this and decides to jump from the window after the boulder, I mean a broken bone is better then no testicle right. As the backpacker falls though he spots the final cursed note. "Curse 3, right testicle attached to bed post".

Man, that made me cringe! Awesome!

[Ninty 182]

I don't get it, they're not really jokes. No more please. :hmm:

Speak for yourself I liked 'em. And they're 'spoilered' anyway so you don't have to read them.

And kudos to 'weeyellowbloke' that joke was great

[triforce_keeper]

Ok my turn!

A couple had been trying to have a baby for 2 years. They both recently decided they would go to see if they were both fertile or not. They went and it came back that the male was infertile.

After lengthy discussions they both decided they were going to get IBF treatment. So they booked an apoinment with their hospital and were suprised that they could have it done next week.

So, the day came when she would be getting the treatment. She walked into the hospital and went to the room. Her and the doctor chatted a while and the doctor asked her if she was definite that she wanted it done, she replied yes. He said ok, stand over there please. So she did. Then the doctor said bend down please, she said puzzled errm ok. She heard some noise so she looked behind her too find the doctor was unzipping his trousers, then he got his penis out. The woman cried WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!? He said giving you sperm m'dear! And she said I thought it came in a bottle or something? He said yeah we've ran out of bottles, you will have to have draft.

[THE ganondorflol]

Why did Miyamoto cross the road?
To bomb Sony offices on the other side...

[Zell]

Who likes dead baby jokes?

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.

I have more...

[Fresh]

Two potatoes fall off a log. Bud dum.

[Nucleus]

What's red and screams?


A skinned baby in a barrel of salt. :bouncy:

[Caris]

Whys an old woman like a pork pie?

Because you have to bite through the crust and lick away the jelly before you get to the meat

[ipaul]

Whys an old woman like a pork pie?

Because you have to bite through the crust and lick away the jelly before you get to the meat

:bouncy: Rather amusing good sir

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine hole?

A flat minor

[Sexual Chocolate]

A Cowboy walks into a german car dealership, and says to the salesman, audi.

[Zell]

How do you get a baby into a bowl?

A blender

How do you get a baby out of a bowl?

Nachos

[Goron_3]

How do you get a baby into a bowl?

A blender

How do you get a baby out of a bowl?

Nachos

Oh god not those jokes again lol.

Anyway:

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?

Being Raped.

[MoogleViper]

All of these jokes seem to be coming up again and again.

[Nucleus]

A female journalist goes out to Kuwait to do a story on gender roles, just before the outbreak of the Gulf War in 1991. She notes with some dismay that the women of the country customarily walk about 10 feet behind their men. Several years later the same journalist returns to the country to see if there has been any change in these gender roles. She is surprised to find, on her return, that the men now walk ten feet behind their women. Amazed at this, she approaches a young lady.
'This is marvellous,' she says. 'What enabled the women here to effect such a reversal of roles?'
'Simple,' the young woman replies. 'Land mines.'

[MoogleViper]

Two tramps are walking along some train tracks. One tramp says to the other, "It was on these tracks last week that I found a dead dog. I ate for three days." The second tramp replied, "That's nothing. Last month I met a woman on these tracks, I took her into those bushes and we had sex for a week." "Wow that's amazing." said the first tramp in awe, "did you get a blowjob?" No." answered the second tramp," I couldn't find the head.


I have more tramp jokes if you want 'em.

[Konfucius]

Two tramps are walking along some train tracks. One tramp says to the other, "It was on these tracks last week that I found a dead dog. I ate for three days." The second tramp replied, "That's nothing. Last month I met a woman on these tracks, I took her into those bushes and we had sex for a week." "Wow that's amazing." said the first tramp in awe, "did you get a blowjob?" No." answered the second tramp," I couldn't find the head.

lol, that's sick but damn funny.


Another sick baby joke.

A woman gives birth to her son in hospital. For a short while her son is taken away to clean him and the usual things. Then the doctor comes back with him. He smiles at the couple and then slams the baby against the wall several times. The father shouts with rage: "What are you doing, you killed our baby."
The Doctor responded: "Don't worry, he was dead already."

[Zell]

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight years olds?

Because there's twenty of them.

How do you get a baby to stop crawling around in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

[KingJoe]

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes


What's the difference between a duck?
It's got one leg both the same

What's purple and commutes?
An Abelian grape

[Slaggis]

my joke: this thread


:yay: :yay: :yay: :shock:

[EchoDesiato]

Okay, stolen from Family Guy:

Why can't Helen Keller (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller)drive a car?



Because she's a woman.


Oh right, women-unfriendly joke.

[Oxigen_Waste]

Two tramps are walking along some train tracks. One tramp says to the other, "It was on these tracks last week that I found a dead dog. I ate for three days." The second tramp replied, "That's nothing. Last month I met a woman on these tracks, I took her into those bushes and we had sex for a week." "Wow that's amazing." said the first tramp in awe, "did you get a blowjob?" No." answered the second tramp," I couldn't find the head.

How do you get a baby into a bowl?

A blender

How do you get a baby out of a bowl?

Nachos

GREAT!!!


Here are some I love:

A woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains.
Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week .
The woman comes back and says 'Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?'
to which the doctor replies 'Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies'.
So the woman says 'Oh, I am going to have a baby?'
and the doctor says:
No, you've got bowel cancer'.


What's the definition of self-destruction?
An epeleptic leper.

What do you call a bath full of lepers?
Porrige.

And this one wich once got me kicked out of class:

How do you know when your sister is having her period
Your dad's dick tastes funny.

[Dyson]

THE ganondorf.

Oh yes I did.

[The fish]

THE ganondorf.

Oh yes I did.

Biggest.
Joke.
Ever.
:yay: :yay: :yay:

[Oxigen_Waste]

THE ganondorf.

Oh yes I did.

Thou is GOD.:weep: (happiness... it makes me cry).

[demonmike04]

Whys an old woman like a pork pie?

Because you have to bite through the crust and lick away the jelly before you get to the meat

Heh, i posted that earlier in this thread :P I love that joke so much.

[Zell]

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can look it in the eyes while you jack off.

Is black humour allowed?

[ipaul]

I'm finding alot of those rather funny when thinking of peoples reactions if i told them. I approve (although that last one went a bit too far even for me)

[Oxigen_Waste]

Is black humour allowed?

These are just jokes... it's got to be. Let's test it:

When in Africa, in the middle of the road, how can you tell whether it was a dog or a black guy who got run over?
If it indeed was a dog, there will be tire tracks a few feet behind.

[MoogleViper]

When in Africa, in the middle of the road, how can you tell whether it was a dog or a black guy who got run over?
If it indeed was a dog, there will be tire tracks a few feet behind.

I don't get it.

[Eddage]

I think he's saying if it was a dog there would be skid marks because the driver was trying to stop, however if it was a black guy then the driver made no effort to stop?!

Not sure though...

[Oxigen_Waste]

I think he's saying if it was a dog there would be skid marks because the driver was trying to stop, however if it was a black guy then the driver made no effort to stop?!

Not sure though...

Precisely! ^^ (take in mind, I'm just joking... I like black people, they're funky. : peace: )

[MoogleViper]

Oh right.

I personally don't think that there is anything wrong with black jokes. At least make them funny and tasteful though. The same goes for homosexual, men, women jokes etc.

[Zell]

Okaly dokaly.

What's long, black and smells?

the poverty line

[Fierce_LiNk]

No more racist jokes.

[Oxigen_Waste]

No more racist jokes.

Why not? It's not like we're racist... it's just good clean fun. Pretty please? :red:

[MoogleViper]

No more racist jokes.

Come on. Jokes are about taking the piss out of someone. It's not like all of the jokes are about black people.

[Fierce_LiNk]

If there are going to be jokes in this thread, they have to be fairly clean and must not be offensive. Common sense really. :heh:

Just think before you post, its all I ask.

[MoogleViper]

If there are going to be jokes in this thread, they have to be fairly clean and must not be offensive. Common sense really. :heh:

Just think before you post, its all I ask.

Yeah ok. That's reasonable.

[Zell]

Ok flinky no more. I'll be a good boy ;)

[MoogleViper]

Three blonde women are stranded on a desert island. One day they come across a magic lamp. A genie comes out and says, "I will grant you one wish each." So the first blonde says, "I'd like to be smarter." So the genie turned her into a brunette and she swam across to safety. The second blonde said, "I'd like to be smarter than her." So the genie clicked his fingers and turned the blond into a red head. Then she built a raft and sailed across to safety. The third Blonde said, "I'd like to be smarter than both of them put together." So the genie turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge.

[Zell]

Three blonde women are stranded on a desert island. One day they come across a magic lamp. A genie comes out and says, "I will grant you one wish each." So the first blonde says, "I'd like to be smarter." So the genie turned her into a brunette and she swam across to safety. The second blonde said, "I'd like to be smarter than her." So the genie clicked his fingers and turned the blond into a red head. Then she built a raft and sailed across to safety. The third Blonde said, "I'd like to be smarter than both of them put together." So the genie turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge.

It's funny because it's true.

[Oxigen_Waste]

What's the worst thing about fucking a bald pussy?

Putting the nappy back on.

What's worse than finding 10 dead babies in a bin liner?
Finding 1 dead baby in 10 bin liners!

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."
The girl replies:
"It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".

A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out. This man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?" The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff. The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girls parents mangled in the rocks below. The man turns round and undoing his flies says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day"!!!

[Blackfox]

This thread has some golden jokes. Keep them up.

Except oxygen_waste, yours are just...wrong. And shit.

[weeyellowbloke]

Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says "so how do we drive this thing".

[Oxigen_Waste]

This thread has some golden jokes. Keep them up.

Except oxygen_waste, yours are just...wrong. And shit.

Oxygen_Waste was taken, I had to become "Oxigen". (but hey... can you argue that the name doesn't fit me?)
I like mine. :D

[demonmike04]

Heh, the dead baby jokes are so wrong, but I found this one funny as a Teacher got hated by a few girls for saying it in Child Development class.

Whats the difference between 10 dead babies and a Ferrari?
I dont have a Ferrari in my garage.

Kudo's to the teacher. Took balls.

[Charlie]

This thread has some golden jokes. Keep them up.

Except oxygen_waste, yours are just...wrong. And shit.

I don't think I've even raised a smile at any of his so-called jokes.

[Ninty 182]

This thread has some golden jokes. Keep them up.

Except oxygen_waste, yours are just...wrong. And shit.

C'mon each to their own

[The3rdChildren]

Not sure if this has been posted or not but it's always been one of my all-time favourites. Let us take a moment to appreciate this golden piece of comedy.


What's the hardest part on the cabbage?

THE WHEELCHAIR.

Bud-dum-dum-dum-cshing!

[Garden_Pigeon]

Sadam tells his son to go and get some food from the Chippy, so his son goes out to get food. 2 weeks later he comes back with the food held in his gown, Sadam goes "Where have you been?!" and he says "There was no Baghdad..."

TA-DAAAA!